Joke of the Day XII

A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself right off the bat, he exploded, "If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would there be any "we" in the first place."

Saying/Quote of the Day VIII

"I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." - Michael Jordan

Joke of the Day XI

Bono, lead singer of U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being a bit self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.
Holding the audience in total silence, he said into microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies"

From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet...
"Well, f**kin stop doin it then, ya evil bas tard!

Saying/Quote of the Day III

"Winning takes talent, to repeat takes character." - John Wooden

Joke of the Day XIV

Dave and Bubba are sitting at the local bar:

Dave: Bubba, how do you do it? You know, please the women all the time?

Bubba: Well Dave, since your my best friend, I will tell you my secret to bedroom success. You see I put my pecker between the door and jam and keep banging it till it goes numb. I can go on forever then. Just drives the women wild!

Dave rushes home to try out this new found information on his wife. He quietly goes into the house and does what Bubba said. All the sudden from the bedroom he hears his wife: Bubba, is that you!

Joke of the Day XIII

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

To my surprise, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Joke of the Day XII

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

Joke of the Day X

A Canadian, an Englishman and an American were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Canadian says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in."

The Englishman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even have a license!"

But the American still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me everytime I think of it," he chuckles. "My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn't even have a p****!"

Saying/Quote of the Day VI

"Winning is the most important thing in my life, after breathing. Breathing first, winning next." - George Steinbrenner

Saying/Quote of the Day V

"For me, winning isn't something that happens suddenly on the field when the whistle blows and the crowds roar. Winning is something that builds physically and mentally every day that you train and every night that you dream." - Emmit Smith

Saying/Quote of the Day IV

"Winning is habit. Unfortunately, so is losing." - Vince Lombardi

Saying/Quote of the Day II

"If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?" - Vince Lombardi

Joke of the Day IX

A farmer is sitting on his porch when a fancy Crown Victoria pulls up and a man in a suit gets out.

The old farmer says "What can I do for you sir?"
The man in the suit says "I am with the DEA, and I'm here to take a look around and make sure you are not growing anything you're not supposed to be."

The farmer says "That's fine, just make sure you don't go behind that there barn."

The fed says"I'm a god dam federal agent, you see this badge I can do what ever I want, this makes me GOD!"

The farmer replys, "OK, suit your self."

5 minutes later he hears the fed screaming so he takes a peak behind the barn, and he sees his 1200lb black bull chasing the DEA agent around the yard.

The DEA agent screams "Help me, its going to kill me!"

And the farmers says, "Why don't you show him your badge?"

Saying/Quote of the Day I

"I hate losing more than I love winning." - Billy Beane

Joke of the Day VIII

So me and my wife went to my 20-year high school reunion. She noticed I kept staring at a woman who was sitting alone and having at least 7 shots of whiskey. She asked why I was. "That was the girl I was dating in my senior year. I dumped her after high school and she's been drinking ever since." My wife said "Gee, I didn't know people could celebrate for that long."

Joke of the Day VII

So a Jew, a black man, an Asian and a Mexican walk into a bar. The bartended says, "What, is this a joke?!"

Joke of the Day VI

Police have announced they believe terrorists are planning to place bombs in tins of Alphabetti Spaghetti. They're worried that if one goes off, it could spell DISASTER.

Joke of the Day II

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'


A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.



The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the

feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:


1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;


2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers

is incomprehensible to everyone else;


3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for

possible later retrieval; and


4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself

spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.



The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be

Masculine ('el computador'), because:


1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;


2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;


3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and


4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.


The women won.

Joke of the Day V

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

Joke of the Day IV

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together
again.

The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my whole life. I ain't got no
idea what it is.

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a heavyset old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled be tween them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch
until it r eached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous,
voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..........

"Boy..................go gitcha Momma.............."

Joke of the Day III

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

Joke of the Day

A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem . While
they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them,
"You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here
in the Holy Land for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped
home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you
would spend only $150. "

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three
days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Brave New World Chapters 9 and 10

Chapter IX
-Allusion "Her eyes, her hair, her cheek, her gait, her voice: Handlest in thy discourse O! that her hand, In whose comparison all whites are ink, Writing their own reproach; to whose soft seizure The cygnet's down is harsh..." - Romeo and Juliet
Direct characterization - "His bored tone implied that he was in the habit of talking to his fordship every day of the week."

Chapter X
Onomonapeia - Buzz, buzz
"Unorthodoxy threatens more than the life of a mere individual; it strikes at Society itself."

Looks like Bernards plan went along well....Muahahahahahahaha

Brave New World Chapter 8

Linda, like so many other characters/tropes, is a misfit in the Land of Misfit Toys. She does not understand Native culture, nor does she try to. She simply sleeps with every man on the reservation, and then wonders why the woman hit her.

And John is the one who suffers for it. He's the one who takes the brunt of the mother's promiscuity, and he's the one who is constantly picked on for being different.

I like Huxley's reference to Miranda from The Tempest because it absolutely fits in this situation.

March Literature Analysis

I chose Atonement by Ian McEwan. The biggest reason being that my sister, after watching the movie, kept pestering me to read it. Eventually, I grew sick of her pestering and decided to watch it. I came in with low expectations, thinking it nothing more than a shallow chick-flick like The Notebook. Needless to say, I didn't set my expectations high enough. That movie was actually a pleasant surprise! And, figuring that there's no such thing as an original screenplay unless you're named Christopher Nolan, I had a hunch this was based off a book. And sure enough, after I saw "Adapted screenplay" you can bet I was quickly scrounging the Internet to look at the book and see if the movie stuck with it or forged its own path. From the looks of it at the beginning chapters, the screenplay writers have stuck with the source material.

Brave New World Chapters 4 and 5

Chapter 4

Direct characterization - "Bernard gave his orders in the sharp, rather arrogant and even offensive tone of one who does not feel himself too secure in his superiority."

Foil - Hemhotz's physical and mental talents are showcased as a way to contrast Bernard, a man that, while smart, suffers from a relatively short stature and lack of confidence. Bernard is also perfectly aware of his "disfigurements" and is embarrassed by them. Hemholtz, in comparison, was completely unawares until recently. 

Foreshadowing - "Did you ever feel," he asked, "as though you had something inside you that was only waiting for you to give it a chance to come out? Some sort of extra power that you aren't using–you know, like all the water that goes down the falls instead of through the turbines?"

Similie - "Like aphides and ants..."

Chapter 5

Rhetorical Question - "Do you know what that switchback was?" he said. "It was some human being finally and definitely disappearing. Going up in a squirt of hot gas. It would be curious to know who it was–a man or a woman, an Alpha or an Epsilon. …

Refrain - "Bottle of mine, it's you I've always wanted!

Bottle of mine, why was I ever decanted?

  Skies are blue inside of you,

  The weather's always fine;

For

There ain't no Bottle in all the world

Like that dear little Bottle of mine."

Repitition - "Good-night, dear friends. Good-night, dear friends." The loud speakers veiled their commands in a genial and musical politeness. "Good-night, dear friends …"

Lit Terms Applied

When it comes to lit terms, I am somewhat in the middle. I know a good portion of them (such as synesthesia, synecdoche, zeitgeist, rising action and my favorite of all: satire) but there are others (looking at you metonymy, expressionism, postmodernism) that I simply can't wrap my head around. Especially postmodernism. Seems like an excuse for the artistically untalented to claim that their work is actually art and not just scribbles on a piece of paper.